The 500-word Microfiction Challenge 2024 / 1st Round Assigment Feedback -Metamorphosis
Transformation of a Girl to a Catfish
On July 12, 2024, I wrote the 1st Round Assignment of the 2nd Annual 500-word Fiction Challenge.
Ninety-five groups participated in this assignment.
I was given the following criteria to use in my story:
Genre: Sci-Fi
Action: Declining an invitation
Object: A fishing pole
Time: 48 Hours
Length: 500 words maximum
This is what I wrote:
Synopsis
This is the tale of a young girl who yearns to explore the depths of a lake or ocean. Her aspiration came true as she transformed into a mermaid.
Here's what "they" (the judges) say about my short story called, "Metamorphosis."
Dear Anita Wladichuk,
The feedback from the judges on your 1st Round submission from the 500-word Fiction Challenge 2024 is below. We hope you find the feedback helpful, and you are proud of the story you created. Thanks for participating, and we hope to see you in a future challenge!
''Metamorphosis'' by Anita Wladichuk - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY
{2290} This is a vivid, naturalistic story with many wonderful and effective elements. Adele is young but extremely practical for her age, already able to prepare and cook freshly caught fish in a variety of ways. So, she's very bright but often suffers from her father's behaviour. Due to her familiarity with big waters, she longed to one day go exploring and find out for herself what's beneath the surface. This chance comes when a catfish big enough to drag her deep takes her bait. They take a liking to and help each other so Adele can remain underwater and she does for so long that she finally becomes a beloved and wise mermaid. The twists and turns work creatively to provide engagement and surprise for the reader, and this one really enjoyed it. Fantastic writing, well done.
{2468} My favorite part is the introduction. From these few lines, you give the reader a good sense of who the protagonist is and what her family situation is. It definitely intrigues me to keep reading to find out what happens to Adele.
{2281} Adele is a precocious nine year old Canadian who loves to fish and knows how to handle herself on the water. From the beginning, we are instantly drawn to this young character because she can handle herself in situations that would terrify much older individuals such as when she is maneuvering her boat around an island and it catches on an sandbar. We are introduced to Adele’s tragic life with an abusive father who cruelly strikes her across the face with a fishing rod, leaving a permanent scar, and we feel sad for her, hoping that something better will come her way soon. This set-up in the first act is fully realised in the top of the third act when this lucky child grows scales and can now find a new life under the water, giving the reader a satisfactory conclusion. It is evident that great care has been undertaken in the writing of this story. With minor tweaks, it holds the potential to be a captivating piece about a young child who finds freedom from abuse through mysterious means.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK
{2290} I think the narrative needs some restructuring to find its best mode. For example, we find out a bit late that Adele dreamed of exploring lakes and oceans, only after she is dragged in. I think this very important detail should feature much nearer the beginning so we can already bear it in mind. Secondly, the catfish incident occurs purely randomly but what if it was more meant to be? For example, what if Wally saw Adele's father beating her and so he bit into her hook as a way to save her? Or maybe when her father slaps her face it knocks her over the side of the boat and into the water; that's when Wally comes to the rescue. Also, the ending is a little abrupt: we're given a fact that isn't really tied to anything we saw earlier. It might be more appropriate to reuse your material and end with something like (for example) Adele no longer fears storms because, being a mermaid, she enjoys playing in the waves.
{2468} For me, I struggled to understand the sense of time. I'm not sure when she catches a fish, when she becomes friends with the fish, when she becomes a mermaid, etc. Maybe adding a few phrases like "over the next few weeks," "suddenly," "within two days," etc. can help give the reader a better understanding of the time frame. Another good thing to consider is repetition; a lot of sentences start with "Adele," so this may be something you think about varying a little. Favorite sentence: They always wore life jackets due to the unpredictable weather on Lake Athabasca in Uranium City, Saskatchewan.
{2281} While Adele’s story is engaging, this work reads more like we are being given a list of facts about the young girl’s life rather than a story. This lack of narrative flow affects the overall pacing and bogs down what otherwise could be a compelling storyline. Too much information or backstory given up front can overload an audience. Most readers want to be thrust into the main action of the tale and taken along on the adventure that the protagonist is undertaking. Oftentimes, it is better to interweave character information and backstory throughout the story and begin with action to fully draw in and captivate the reader. This story shifts from abuse to whimsical fantasy which causes tonal whiplash. Indicating that something odd or mysterious is in the works should ideally be set up in the first act then woven throughout. While there is a lot of time spent on discussing the abuse that Adele suffers and her skills at fishing, the later description of her metamorphosis into a mythical creature is glossed over. It might be more compelling to focus less on the abuse and her skills, and spend more time showing the audience how she is transformed and why it happens.
Here is a link to what I wrote: